Manchester United Is Dead – All That’s Left is Funeral Arrangements
There was a time when Old Trafford was more fortress than stadium, when leaving with a draw felt like a biblical miracle – a kind of football exodus from the slaughterhouse. Teams came, saw, and prayed for mercy. But fast-forward to Sunday’s spectacle, and the hallowed turf felt more like an all-you-can-eat buffet than a battleground. And the dish of the day? The three-course mess that Erik ten Hag has been cooking for three years.
No seasoning. No flavor. Just bland, uninspired football that feels more like a rushed takeaway than a masterclass in tactical genius. The funeral procession has begun, ladies and gentlemen. The only thing left is to send the invitations and choose a nice spot for the wake.
Spurs Show United Who’s Boss
Desperate to break their record of two straight draws, Manchester United welcomed Spurs to Old Trafford with the enthusiasm of a student retaking their worst subject. But things didn’t exactly go as planned. United’s buildup strategy, which seemed reasonable on paper, was doomed from the moment Spurs decided they weren’t there to play nice.
With Andre Onana between the sticks, and Lisandro Martínez and Matthijs de Ligt positioned ahead of him, United aimed to build out from the back. The full-backs, Diogo Dalot and Noussair Mazraoui, hugged the sidelines like their careers depended on it. But Spurs had other ideas.
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Tottenham’s press was less “apply pressure” and more “put out the fire before it starts.” Dominic Solanke hounded De Ligt like a mosquito in summer, keeping Martínez in his shadow, ensuring that neither center-back had any choice but to pass back to Onana. It was the football equivalent of asking someone if they want to fight, then snatching away their weapon before they can answer.
And when Solanke wasn’t directly on De Ligt, Brennan Johnson swooped in to double down on Martínez, effectively locking both defenders in a cage of frustration. The only man left free was Dalot, the lucky full-back with the unenviable job of trying to build play from the outside. But Spurs were a step ahead.
Pedro Porro, Spurs’ right-back, shot up the field like he’d been given permission to chase a lost ball in the playground. By the time the ball traveled from Onana to Dalot, Porro was already breathing down his neck, leaving Dalot with as much room to maneuver as a goldfish in a shot glass.
With Porro pressing high, Spurs’ center-back Cristian Romero slid over to cover, creating a temporary three-man defense. United were stuck, reduced to launching hopeful long balls in the vague direction of their wingers. But hope, as it turned out, was not a viable tactic. Spurs intercepted those long balls like they were collecting mail, keeping the United wingers either offside or completely isolated. It was a masterclass in suffocation.
To make matters worse, United’s pressing plan – designed to protect the center – was an absolute disaster. Bruno Fernandes and Joshua Zirkzee, the so-called “front two” of the press, found themselves marooned in no-man’s-land, with a gap big enough to park a bus between them and the midfield.
James Maddison, who seemingly had a VIP pass to every area of the pitch, exploited this space with the ease of a burglar in an unlocked house. He dropped deep, drifted wide, and sent precise passes to Dejan Kulusevski, who was more of a roaming No. 10 than a winger. Kulusevski, in turn, linked up with Solanke and Destiny Udogie, Spurs’ left-back, who seemed to have a season ticket to United’s penalty box.
The result? Chaos. United were cut open time and time again. Kulusevski received the ball in central areas, slipped passes into Solanke or Udogie, or simply tore through United’s defense himself. Spurs’ center-backs, like Mickey van de Ven, even joined the fun, with Van de Ven’s marauding run leading to the first goal.
United’s right-back Mazraoui, meanwhile, was left in a permanent 1v1 against Timo Werner, who gave him the runaround like a high school bully on a bicycle, either attacking the box directly or swinging in crosses at will.
Conclusion – The Inevitable Reality
In the end, it was less a football match and more a painful reminder of where United stand. A team that once commanded respect now scrambles for relevance. Erik ten Hag’s three-year production seems to have reached its premiere, and spoiler alert: it’s a box office flop.
United’s funeral is fast approaching, and if they don’t pull themselves together soon, they’ll be buried alongside the expectations they’ve repeatedly failed to meet.
But hey, at least the snacks at the wake should be decent.
By: Tobi Peter / @keepIT_tactical
Featured Image: @GabFoligno / Soccrates Images – Getty Images